As of early January, the cost of a postage stamp in Canada is 57 cents, up from 54 cents.

 In related consumer news, a tin of gentlemen's mustache wax to catch the eye's favour of a comely lass as he gaily rides past on his velocipede is now three pennies more at the mercantile.

I do not recall the last time I licked a postage stamp.

Except that's not true. The memory is actually quite vivid. The last time I licked a stamp was shortly after Canada Post switched to the peel-and-place sticker-type version and nobody told me. (To this day, whenever I drink certain citrus beverages, I still get an aftertaste reminiscent of basil and aluminum.)

What I meant was, it’s been probably three or four years since I rifled through the kitchen junk drawer or rummaged in the deepest cluttered depths of my wife’s purse for want of a postage stamp.

Virtually all of my correspondence, home and office, is now electronic. Much easier is to pay bills by touch-tone phone, dispatch notes through e-mail and let the trustworthy banks automatically transfer from our accounts those monthly payments to the forthright insurance companies.

 I am not proud, or bragging, or trying to make myself out as some sort of big shot with his own computer. Mail is still important. Canada Post or any other company that can deliver an envelope from doorstep to doorstep across this ridiculously huge country, in winter, in five days or fewer, and for a cost equivalent to two fingers of a KitKat bar — such outfits ought to be encouraged. It's just that I'm not big on any encouragement that entails personal effort.

And that’s too bad, because I have always been fond of stamps. I am not a collector, no avid “philespositoist,” as they say, but the traditional postage stamp does help me sort through the jumble of life.

When I receive mail with an actual stamp, I open the envelope in full confidence that the message within is from friends, family or a firm with which I have genuine business. Another matter entirely are the pieces of mail with those pre-paid or bulk-postage squares machine-stamped on the upper right corner. Those I fwik.

Fwik?

“Fwik” is a verb I made up to describe the flinging of unwanted material into the wastebasket, much as a bored private detective in the opening scene of 1940s film noir dispatches, with a snap of the wrist, playing cards across his office at an upturned fedora. It works with 90 per cent of the daily mail, too, when you already know what to expect inside the envelope:

"...winner of a three-night vacation stay at beautiful Radium Hot Springs! We only ask that you attend an informative seven-hour..." - fwik

 “...bring the enclosed card to customer services and scratch to win your guaranteed prize of either a 2010 Ford Explorer, a Panasonic home theatre system or two per cent off your purchase...” - fwik

“...preapproved for $400,000 in credit, with low, low interest payments and no annual fees. Your new MetroBank account is activated the first time you use the enclosed pre-authorized card, even if to only pick from your five remaining teeth the jackrabbit that you and Last Whistle Bill snared for supper out back of the railyards..." - fwik

"...greetings from Jack Layton..." - fwik

“...sincerely thank you for your past generous donation, but also let you know that much has changed since a week ago Thursday...” - fwik

“...by subscribing to Toronto Life TV, you also receive the new digital specialty channels The Drapes Network, Eye on Jai Alai, MuchMormon and...” - fwik

 “...as a valued past customer, you have been specially selected, Mrs. Ronp Etrie, to receive...” - fwik

I am old enough to remember when the only illustration on a Canadian postage stamp was that of the Queen. In an effort to boost sales, Canada Post has since “gussied up” stamps, much as we in the newspaper industry, to attract hep young readers, frequently run front-page photos of the popular girl vocalist Britney Spears.

 Tragically, the post office is not nearly as “with-it” as newspaper editors. Recent commemorative stamps have honored — these are true special issues — Canadian actor Raymond Burr, in 2008; an endangered species of wildlife, the Blotched Tiger Salamander, in 2006, and, in 2007 — no lie _ 100 years of the Law Society of Saskatchewan (fwik).

My advice to Canada Post is a return to the Queen-only stamp and an immediate price increase to a flat $1.

 Greeting cards today cost...what? Four bucks? One dollar would be a small price for no less than Royal certification by Elizabeth II herself that a letter is worth opening.

Ron Petrie is a humour columnist with the Regina Leader-Post.

Comments

Be the first to comment!